I used to think I just didn't have much courage. All the things I thought I should stand up for, the ways I thought I should "face" people, etc., seemed so combative, so hard to me. I seemed to either be hurtful to other people, or to be hurt myself, and was defeated many times. Even when I "won", I somehow felt that I had lost something precious. Even when I was fighting for noble, or good things. Sometimes, I just gave up, feeling like a coward.
I finally understand the Scripture in Acts 26:14 that says, "We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic, 'Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.'". A goad, or prick was used in Bible times to poke an ox who would not obey a command. If the ox was really stubborn, he would actually kick at the goad, thus hurting himself worse on the sharp point. When we don't obey God whole-heartedly....even when most of the "mix" of whatever we are doing is "good".....we are just kicking against the goads. We hurt ourselves worse than was needed to learn to serve and love God, and we suffer worse than God would have us to. Of course suffering is needed, because "self" must die, but any degree of lack-of-surrender only makes it worse. That isn't even the worst thing about it though. We hurt Jesus and His work on earth because we act as a dam to prevent His flow. These injuries to Him are so painful to Him, yet He never stops loving us in powerful force-of-flow!!
The reason I had so many conflicting feelings about courage and what I should do, and so many "failures" was because I was operating from something less than Love. I made our homeschool, our behavior, our "duty", and our accomplishments the most important. These were all my own ideas, therefore, I was easily offended, and often angered. I was fooling myself into thinking that they were God's ideas, and so I wondered why I lacked effectiveness, and often lacked the courage to face you all and get the "results" I wanted. Oh they are certainly "good" things, and I believe they are a part of God's will for us, but I could never know HOW they should manifest because I focused on them instead of Him.
The only thing I care about now is His will, and His holiness-in-us. Everything is to be based on our surrendered hearts. If our homeschool needs to be dissolved in order to do this, then so be it. NOTHING will get in the way of giving our hearts wholly to Jesus!!! All of a sudden, I find myself with more courage than I could ever need! But it took my complete surrender about everything else of "value".....my willingness to see it go away for the sake of Jesus' will in our lives....my willingness to defend His character and desires instead of my own......my willingness even to ruthlessly hurt my own little ones in whatever ways you are not humble, and are rebelling against Him.....my willingness to have you judge and even hate me.
Courage is that final commitment to the continual and colossal emptying of "self" forever, which is a leap of faith at any cost....indeed at every cost. Would I leap out at great danger to myself to save someone from a burning vehicle?! I don't know. I don't need to know. I trust God to do whatever He wants through me and don't worry at all anymore about whether I can.....because I know HE CAN!!!! And it is forever all I need to know.
love, Mama
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